Quiz

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?

Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are.

Ready? ...

GO!!!


FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the first question.

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total?
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ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.

Translation

Professor	Translation
You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.	I used it as a grad student.
If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.	If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.	I don't understand the details either.
Various authorities agree that...	My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.	I don't know.
You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.	I don't know.
In order to answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.	I really don't know.
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.	Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.	I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.
We can continue this discussion outside of class.	1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. 2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.	I stayed out to late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.
Any questions?	I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are clear.	I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.
The test will be 50-questions multiple choice.	The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%.
The test scores were generally good.	Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below my expectations.	Where was the party last night?
Some of you could have done better.	Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?	Has anyone opened the book yet?
According to my sources...	According to the guy who taught this class last year...
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.	I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.

Tech Support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet! It's still on my desk. Sorry.

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Tech support: Click on the My Computer icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on Start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!

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Tech support: How may I be of assistance?

Customer: Hi, good afternoon. This is Martha and I can't print. Every time I try, it says "Can't Find Printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

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Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah! Thank you.

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at 7-11.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work.

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.

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Tech support: Good morning. How may I help you?

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: Okay and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

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Tech support: Okay, Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a "P."
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P," on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'm not going to do that!

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

Ya gotta love this principal.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

I've just shot them...

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

Helpline

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when its on ? ?
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Final Exams

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Roller Blades

Boo!
chains rattle
voices whisper
agonised wails
release!
cries & moans
shadows moving
lights flickering
GHoSt
..........................
no smiling
no laughing
no happy
moments
pity those
lost and searching
hidden in the dark
(released in the light)

(NB don't just pity them-aid the release-hand them the keys for release)

:)

These are amazing.

Submitted by Brenda Adams Crowley, LA

Architect and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most spectacular structure using little more than cans of food at Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build competition in New York .

All these cans will go to the food bank afterwards.

Scroll down and enjoy.

Stop or What?

Bad Spelling

This is funny!

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.

The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!

That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

And you thought you heard of everything by now!! !!

And to think the phrase "bird brain" is associated with being dumb. Not these birds. Share the story, and remember to keep smiling !!

This is...

Well yeah.

Absobollylutely Beau-ti-ful! (pictures of past sunsets)

This is when I start shouting and screaming and laughing........just so y'all know- I Love Hokitika!

Now I just need to go to the beach...dying to walk on the sand and feel the rain (it is the coast after all) and hear the waves..

Enjoy.

My list of Villains, Weirdos, Witches, Baddies, wholly evil things, Lunatics, Deluded personal... from literature.

Yes, this has been a while in coming. And that has to have been one of the longest titles I've ever done.

1. The White Witch. She's scared me ever since I first read The Magicians Nephew. -Narnia

2. Hook. As a little girl, I hated him simply because Peter does. Now I am not a fan of Peter, but of Hook. (This probably has something to do with the fact that last time I read the book, I tried it from Hooks veiw.) - Peter Pan

3. Gollum. He is probably the person I feel the sorriest for in The Lord of the Rings. He wasn't bad, the ring made him so. He didn't ask for the ring to come to him, but it does. It drove him mad and in the end, killed him. - The Lord of the Rings

4 . Bertha Rochester, nee Mason. She roams the halls of Thornfield at night, setting fire to peoples beds and ripping wedding vales, all the while her mad laughter echoes through the halls. - Jane Eyre

5. Daniel Quilp. He's small, hideous and has everyone under his thumb. He makes faces, which threw ladies into fits. He does what ever he wants, no matter what else anyone wants. - The Old Curiosity Shop.

6. Miss Minchin. Is one of those diabolical people who pretend they like others if they are rich. When her richest pupil, (she runs a boarding school) Sara Crew, becomes penniless. She immediatly changes her colours and makes Sara a servant. Although she still loses her contanence whenever Sara enters the room. - The Little Princess.

7. The Ash. Yup a tree. He buries people at the bottom of his tree trying to fill up the hole in his heart. When you look in his eyes you are rendered helpless by his gaze. - Phantastes.

8. Count Olaf. Is possibly the funniest ever. His plans for getting the Bauldilaire fortune are incredible, however awful they are.

9. Dr Jekyll. Why anyone would like to create a potion which let them be wholly bad is beyond me. Warning, never read this book late at night if you are anything like me. - Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

10. Nazgul. These are really creepy in the book, even more so than the movie. If you don't think so, read the books again. If you've never read them, do so now. - The Lord of the Rings.

That's done. I never realised how many books I read where all the people are good!

Time for Star Wars

Sorry it's so small. When I enlarged it, it went fuzzy and you couldn't see it at all.

The Caption is, UNEMPLOYMENT sucks when your job gets blow'd up.


It links to the Darth Vader one...

A tiny bit more...

Click here for a fun star wars game and i am still on Ella's laptop

Now we..

Now we move onto Nincompoops by Cedric

Hi who ever is reeding this you are a NINCOMPOOP oh and i am still on Ella's laptop

Cedric's Post

Hi i am on Ella's Laptop HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

wata joke Oh and Pigs can fly and cats bark not meow and dogs meow not bark am i clear good
Click here to see my pet
Click Here to see the new star wars lego set
Click Here to see my website
Click Here to see lord of the rings stuff
If you have reed this you are a nincompoop