the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"And then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.
She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.
The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".
Thanks to Vinny for these!
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Blonde Jokes
Normally I am not a fan of these, but I found these funny. (It could be attributed to the lateness of the hour too)
blonde getting a haircut
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
painting blonde
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
painting blonde
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Car Drivers
Overheard to a chauffeur: 'James, I'm now ninety and rather bored with life, so I want to commit suicide. Kindly drive over the next cliff.'
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it man.
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take: 30 days or $30?" The man thought and replied, "I think I'll take the money."
A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'
Motorist: 'But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.'Policeman: 'Well, now you've got something else to tell him.'
A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Skoda and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it man.
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take: 30 days or $30?" The man thought and replied, "I think I'll take the money."
A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'
Motorist: 'But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.'Policeman: 'Well, now you've got something else to tell him.'
A dilapidated and very ancient Ford pulled into the local garage. 'Could you let me have half a gallon of petrol?' asked the old fellow at the wheel.
'Why don't you fill her up, now that you're here?' said the attendant.
'Well,' said the old chap, 'she might not run that far.'
A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Skoda and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"
Answering Machines
"This is an answering' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep."
(in the voice of John McEnroe the tennis player)You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel")
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to
One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And the time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep.
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hi this is
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
"This is (your phone number). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of glass breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
"Hello, this is John. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"
"SAC Missle Control. Good day Mr. President. We are presently holding at T minus 2 minutes into the first strike countdown. To authorize resumption and launch, merely hang up without leaving a message.
Dave is out. Jane is out. Rover is out. This is their answering machine. I am in. The beep is in. At the sound of the beep leave your name. At the sound of the beep leave your message.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Idiot. Right now, all our idiots are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an idiot return your call as soon as possible.
"Yesterday I got home and I saw the phone machine blinking. I was so happy! I thought 'A message for me! Hooray!' "But when I listened to the tape, there was only a dial tone. "And now I'm never going to answer the telephone again."
"Hi, this is Steve. There's nobody here, and even if there was we wouldn't answer the phone. And even if we did, we wouldn't say anything. Maybe you shouldn't have called."
"Hi, this is John ... I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy sorting M & M's. So leave your name and number, and when I can get back to you, and as soon as I get them in alphabetical order, I'll call you up."
Greetings from the school of Computer Generated Music, in a moment we will play one of our shorter selections, after which you may leave a message.
"Hello, I am actually home at the moment, but I really don't feel like listening to whatever your problem is. So, If you leave your name and number at the tone, when I feel like responding to your message, I will."
"Terribly sorry, but you've reached an answering machine."
"Hello?
Hi, this is Fred. I just stepped outside to get the paper, and the door locked behind me. Luckily, I left the answering machine on. So, while I'm outside, shivering in my underwear, you can leave a message. Then, when the landlord lets me back in, I can get back to you.
"This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 1am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
"Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep.
Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP!)
"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."
That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...
click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"This is the City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Idiot. Right now, all our idiots are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an idiot return your call as soon as possible.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father John's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you...
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
The machine answering your call is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to a small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Hello, this is
"Hello, I'm not here."
"You know what to do at the tone."
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call".
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please multiply your number by i and try again.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our guns right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Bob here. I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This is Judy Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
"Hi. Now you say something."
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
Female customer: A white one.
---
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet! It's still on my desk. Sorry.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet! It's still on my desk. Sorry.
---
Tech support: Click on the My Computer icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
---
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on Start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on Start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!
---
Tech support: How may I be of assistance?
Customer: Hi, good afternoon. This is Martha and I can't print. Every time I try, it says "Can't Find Printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah! Thank you.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah! Thank you.
---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at 7-11.
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at 7-11.
---
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work.
---
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
---
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
---
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.
---
Tech support: Good morning. How may I help you?
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
---
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: Okay and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: Okay and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
---
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.
---
Tech support: Okay, Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a "P."
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P," on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'm not going to do that!
Customer: I don't have a "P."
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P," on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'm not going to do that!
Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!
Ya gotta love this principal.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
I've just shot them...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
Helpline
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when its on ? ?
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
Final Exams
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Funny Stories from Insurance Companies
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I found this one after I had posted the other, it comes from the same site.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I found this one after I had posted the other, it comes from the same site.
Dumb Questions From Lawyers
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:
"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"
"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?
"So you were gone until you returned?"
Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"
"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"
You can find more funny jokes and stories here
"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"
"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?
"So you were gone until you returned?"
Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"
"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"
You can find more funny jokes and stories here
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