Jokes

Children

It's true that children brighten up a home.
They never turn off the lights.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know.

My uncle said, 'I've got this woodpecker with no beak. What shall I call him?'
I said, 'A headbanger.

This butler came running into the master's room. He said, 'Sir there's a ghost outside in the corridor. What shall I do?'The master said, 'Tell him I can't see him.

My sister went to first aid lessons. They said, 'What's the first thing you'd do if a man was blown up by dynamite?'
My sister said, 'Wait for him to come down.'

The doctor said, 'Is your cough better now?'
My brother said, 'Oh yes much better. I've been practising for weeks.'

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So that they can hide in cherry trees.
Don't be silly - elephants don't hide in cherry trees!
Have you ever seen one in a cherry tree?
No...
Proves how good the disguise is, doesn't it.

Pupil to Teacher: Sir, would you punish a person for something they haven't done?
Teacher: Of course not.
Pupil: Good, then you won't mind that I haven't done my homework!

My brother came running in He said, 'Mum, there's a man outside with a broken arm called Brian.'
My mum said, 'That's a funny name for a broken arm.'

My uncle said to me, 'Ants have got amazing brains.'
I said, 'Have they?'
He said, 'Yes. Have you noticed how they always know when you're having a picnic.'

My dad said to me, 'Son, today I fought off the powers of darkness.'
I said, 'How did you do that?'
He said, 'I paid the electricity bill.'

My sister got me into trouble the other day.
She said, Mum, he's broken my dolly.'
My mum said, 'How did that happen?'
My sister said, 'Well I was hitting him on the head with it, and it broke.'

The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one.

Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it.
Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bird with a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer.

Primary maths pupil's answer to question, `take 9 from 246 as many times as possible': `I did it fifty times and I always got 237.'

Twelve year old's response to the question, `why does a surgeon wear a mask when he performs an operation?': `So if he makes a muck of it the patient won't know who did it.'

A seven year old going to his first carol service demanded indignantly when the collection plate came round, 'You mean we have to pay for this?'

Definitions

Consciousness - the time between naps.

Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Justice - a decision in your favor.

Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.


Shopping

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
he stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

One day a boy asks "where's your bathroom?" "Right in the left back corner of the store", the manager said. So he walks into the bathroom and noticed there was no toilet just a bath. So he comes out and says "what gives there is no toilet in the bathroom". "Duh", said the manager "you didn't ask for a toilet room you asked for a bathroom"!

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

This woman and her husband came out of the supermarket. She said, 'I'll put the shopping in the car and you get the baby.' The husband said, 'Alright.' And off he went. A few minutes later he was back at the car.
The woman said, 'Hey, that's not our baby.' The man said, 'Shut up, it's a better pram.'

Light Bulbs

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

How many civil servants does it take to change a light-bulb?
Ten. One to mess it up and nine to write the cover-up report.

How many politically correct people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."

How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."

How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!

How many Dixons store assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.

How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.

How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb? 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

How many PUNK ROCKERS does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to kick the chair out from
under him.

How many HAIRDRESSERS does it take to change a light-bulb?Five. One to change the bulb and four to stand around admiringly and say "Fabulous, Gary !!"

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?