"This is an answering' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep."
(in the voice of John McEnroe the tennis player)You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel")
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to
One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And the time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep.
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Hi this is
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
"This is (your phone number). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of glass breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
"Hello, this is John. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"
"SAC Missle Control. Good day Mr. President. We are presently holding at T minus 2 minutes into the first strike countdown. To authorize resumption and launch, merely hang up without leaving a message.
Dave is out. Jane is out. Rover is out. This is their answering machine. I am in. The beep is in. At the sound of the beep leave your name. At the sound of the beep leave your message.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Idiot. Right now, all our idiots are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an idiot return your call as soon as possible.
"Yesterday I got home and I saw the phone machine blinking. I was so happy! I thought 'A message for me! Hooray!' "But when I listened to the tape, there was only a dial tone. "And now I'm never going to answer the telephone again."
"Hi, this is Steve. There's nobody here, and even if there was we wouldn't answer the phone. And even if we did, we wouldn't say anything. Maybe you shouldn't have called."
"Hi, this is John ... I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy sorting M & M's. So leave your name and number, and when I can get back to you, and as soon as I get them in alphabetical order, I'll call you up."
Greetings from the school of Computer Generated Music, in a moment we will play one of our shorter selections, after which you may leave a message.
"Hello, I am actually home at the moment, but I really don't feel like listening to whatever your problem is. So, If you leave your name and number at the tone, when I feel like responding to your message, I will."
"Terribly sorry, but you've reached an answering machine."
"Hello?
Hi, this is Fred. I just stepped outside to get the paper, and the door locked behind me. Luckily, I left the answering machine on. So, while I'm outside, shivering in my underwear, you can leave a message. Then, when the landlord lets me back in, I can get back to you.
"This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 1am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
"Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep.
Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP!)
"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."
That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...
click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"This is the City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Idiot. Right now, all our idiots are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an idiot return your call as soon as possible.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father John's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you...
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
The machine answering your call is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to a small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Hello, this is
"Hello, I'm not here."
"You know what to do at the tone."
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call".
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please multiply your number by i and try again.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our guns right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Bob here. I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This is Judy Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
"Hi. Now you say something."
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
1 comment:
HAHA! I love the burglar one ;)
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