Quotes

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.