Children Jokes... I think that most of them actually happend.

"Real teachers keep a straight face when a parent tells them their child did not
complete the homework because their computer does not have Roman numerals on it."

After a recent trip to Washington, D.C., I was showing my kindergarteners pictures of the different monuments and buildings. I held up a picture and said, "This is the Capitol building." A little boy, Jeremy, asked, "Where is the Lower Case building?"

My husband and I got a very nice job offer to take over a ranch for a couple who were wanting to retire. The problem was that we live in North Dakota and the ranch is in Wisconsin. I was discussing it with my 6 and 8 year old daughters and asked what their feelings were on the issue. My six year old piped up and said, "Mom, we can't do that! Think how long it would take us to get to school!"


A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here? The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there? Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think I'll hear Barney in there? Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.


I was showing a video regarding the Revolutionary War to my "slower" class of seventh graders. Before turning on the video, I told them that the video would show actors portraying different historical people such as John Adams or Thomas Jefferson. I even told them that there would be a sign which would come up during the film which would remind everybody that these actors were saying the actual words of the historical characters that they were portraying. (I could see, however, that a few of the boys were not paying attention to what I was saying.) I turned on the video, waited for and pointed out the sign I had mentioned, and then watched the students as they watched the video. An actor portraying George Washington appeared. "Hey," I heard one boy say as he nudged his nearby friend, "is that George Washington?" His friend regarded him with utter contempt. "Stupid!" he whispered back, "This video's in color. They didn't have color videotape back then. If it was George Washington, it would be in black and white!"


I was a middle school teacher before retirement. One day I had students at the board working problems. One of the young ladies was an exceptional student who happened to be a blonde. For some reason I told her that she was using a piece of left handed chalk. Without turning around or saying anything she put the chalk in the tray, picked up another piece of chalk, and continued with her problem.


At Math time, I told the kids that we were going to talk about Even and Odd. One boy yelled out- "I know that story. It's in the Bible! " After I quit laughing, I said- "I think you mean Adam and Eve. "


As an introduction to a new book, I was introducing my 6th graders to new vocabulary words. I read a list of new words that the students would add to their list, and after I said, "Number 6. Rhododendron" one boy started asking his table mates where "Dendron" was. The kids could not understand what he was asking so he asked me "where the road to Dendron was". After collecting myself, I told him that rhododendron was one word. I still think that he is looking for Dendron.


I was a teacher in a tutoring center and at the end of every session, we would ask the students quiz questions for extra tokens. I asked, "What are the three primary colors?". One of my students said, " I know- black, white, and Mexican!!" I laughed so hard, I gave him 2 tokens.


I was wearing a long, colorful skirt made out of that broomstick material when I was trying to explain the word "brag" to my First Graders. I was pretending to brag about being the fastest runner in the whole class. I was going on and on when a little boy raised his hand and said, "You can't run fast wearing that CURTAIN!"


When we were discussing who spoke English and who spoke Spanish Kristopher piped up and said he just talks regular.


I teach preschool, 2 year olds. When I was Pregnant with my 3rd child, I saw no reason to tell my class because they were so young. As the year was coming to an end, I grew quite large. One of my little darlings came up to me and said," Miss Ilene, your belly is getting very fat!" I asked this little boy if he'd like to know why, and he said yes. I told him I had a baby in my tummy. He walked away, saying nothing. The next day, this happy, never cry child pitched a fit when his mother tried to leave. She pulled him aside and they talked for a few minutes, and the little boy calmed down, and the mom was grinning from ear to ear. I asked what happened and she said, "Adam thought you might eat him, you've already eaten a baby."


A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.


A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.


My friend Rhonda was telling me how rushed she was that morning getting her three children off to school. One of them had a field trip, but Rhonda couldn't find the permission slip anywhere. She finally wrote a note to the teacher explaining she had lost the form but it was okay for her child to go on the trip. Later Rhonda got a call from the teacher saying the note she had sent was scribbled on the back of the "lost" permission slip.

A few blocks away from our school, on our way to a pumpkin farm last Fall, one of my
 first graders was looking out the window of the bus, while she was excitedly
pointing and naming all the places she recognized; - "that's where my grandma works,"
pointing to a supermarket warehouse. "My mom works at the bank", and that her
auntie also worked somewhere.  All of the sudden she stops, turns, and says to me,
"How about you Mrs. Alvarez? Where do you work?"  I thought that was a classic.

While discussing the vocabulary for our new story last week, I asked the class what they knew about a harbor. One child responded, "It's like a boat parking lot with a dock."

We were doing a science lesson on how plants grow. The children all got a chance to
plant their own seeds. As the teacher I planted a few extra seeds for the children
whose plants do not sprout. After a few weeks of watching them I secretly exchanged
a few.  The next day one of my students said "Look teacher, it's a miracle, my plant
is growing".  I said "Yes, seeds sprouting is very exciting".  He said," No teacher,
that's not the miracle, I ATE the SEED and it is growing anyway!"

Little Johnny walked into his kindergarten room one morning wearing shoes that were at least 6 sizes too big. The teacher looked at him and asked "Johnny, who's shoes are you wearing?". Johnny smiled back and said proudly "my big brother's". The teacher, still puzzled asked, "Does your mother know you have your brother's shoes on?" Johnny replied " YES she does, she's the one who said I could wear them". The teacher is now really confused so she has to ask "Why did your mother
tell you to wear your brother's shoes?" Johnny said with a grin, "because he buried MINE in the back yard!!"


Several years ago, a primary student in my school was sent to see the principal for misbehaving in the classroom. The principal was very upset to see this
same young man in his office again (because he seemed to be there quite often). After talking sternly to the boy for a few minutes and reprimanding him,
the principal gave the boy this warning, "The next time you come to my office... I guess I'm going to have to get out my paddle!"
Without blinking an eye, the confused boy replied, "You have a boat?"


In our church, we have missionaries that travel around from place to place spreading the gospel. One day while driving to a doctor's appointment, I saw two of our local missionaries walking down the street. At that same instant my little sister exclaimed " Look! It's the dictionaries!"


We were at my in-laws one weekend and our 4 yr old who is now eight was in their bathroom looking at herself in the mirror, one of her favorite things to do. My father in law went in the bathroom and asked her what she was doing, she replied just looking. She then said " Papa can I ask you a question?" "yes" he said she says " did God make you and me both?" "Yes God made both of us" he replied. She then looked in the mirror and then back at her papa and in the mirror again, she did this a couple of times before finally saying "Boy he sure is doing a better job now." We all laughed for several minutes at the expense of my father in-law. We occasionally bring it up at family functions too.


One afternoon I was playing with my three year old daughter and two year old son. I would pretend to be asleep and then "wake up" when they poked me. At one point they poked me but I stayed "asleep". My son turned to my daughter and said, "Ah Oh, I think we need to change Mommy's batteries."


My aunt is a first grade teacher in Northern New York. One day she was explaining the different seasons to her class. Summer, Spring, Winter and Fall. My aunt opened the window to show her class the leaves that had fallen on the ground then asked if one of her students could tell her what season it was now. A little boy outfitted with camouflage raised his hand, she called on him. "What season is it?", she asked. Without missing a beat, "It's hunting season". He was right!


Last year, I was team teaching Pre-K. One of our little boys opens the door of the bathroom during circle time and started yelling, "Teacher, teacher! There's pee in the garbage, there's pee in the garbage!" Trying to keep my momentum of circle time going, I proceeded to ignore him as did the other adult in the room. He would not accept being ignored so he continued yelling that there was pee in the garbage. I told him it was okay, just don't touch it, we would take care of it later. He insisted that we see it. Without any warning, he brought the garbage bucket out of the bathroom and reached into and said "Teacher no really, there's pee in the garbage!" He pulled out the alphabet letter “P” that fell into the bucket as I proceeded to fall off my chair laughing. Circle time was then over..."

My first grade class and I were on a field trip.  We were walking along a board walk
that stretched over a wetlands area.  Along the board walk were little plaques with
donors names engraved on them.  I heard one boy ask another, "What do you think all
these names mean?".  The other boy responded,"They must be the names of people who
fell off and died!".